The Venn Diagram of Me and You
It is necessary for there to be an overlap of some sort, any sort, for two people to become friends. A Venn Diagram of me and you. What to do when our overlap disappears and there is nothing to ground the relationship?
Hi Love,
It is necessary for there to be an overlap of some sort, any sort, for two people to become friends. Working at the same place, living in on the same block, having gone to the same school. Forming new friendships was much easier when we were young, at least for me, school and circumstances surrounded me with people all the time. Invariably, I found a nice patch of overlap with them and a friendship grew from there.
It's gotten harder since I've gotten older. The friendship of my thirties was often built on the fertile soil of single women dating. Girlfriends and I would get together and relate tales of the latest guy, share "can you believe he did that," and all the pinning that we allow ourselves to admit to and still proudly claim a feminist.
One girlfriend after another got married, and things started to shift. A few of them severed the friendship outright, a house cleaning that accompanied this brand new chapter of their lives. The wildness of my singleness might stench the blessing of matrimony. Some friends stay in touch but the distance is palpable. There is a new center of gravity, their partners, and that is the way it should be. Partners now do the witnessing and the emotional labors that was once the duty of a good friend. I too am guilty of retracting now that I have found my person.
The one friendship that has remained steady through the years, from our early twenties, stage one of adulthood and into new lives with partners is my friendship with R. We've had our up and downs but we found our way back to each other. I like to believe the weathering deepen the overlap on our Venn diagrams. As I investigate why this relationship with R is so special, I came to see that R and I have found overlaps and overlaps. Some of it by accident, who knew Kundalini yoga is the jam? Some discovered, we share a similar vision for dinner parties and we work remarkably well together in the kitchen. We didn't get here by design; we didn't get here by accident either. We invested time. The magic ingredient that takes us from shared interests (i.e. boys) to experiences, to worldviews and the actions that shape our individual lives.
A community is important. Lots of people talk about the tribe and finding it. I'm all for it. But I've come to believe that passion for the same topic make for weak bonds. Time is the key ingredient. We cannot withhold time if what we seek is a true community.
With love,
Charlie
IDEAS YOU CAN STEAL
How do you feel about small talk? A necessary evil of networking event? Family gathering? Would it surprise you to know that small talk can lead to moments of real connection? The beginnings of overlap on the Venn diagram of you and stranger X. Read on here.
WORTH A READ
The Immortalists by Chloe Benjamin
I've been on a pretty good roll in terms of fiction. A gypsy arrives in town and four siblings go see her. She tells them the exact date they will die. This knowledge drives each of them towards different decisions and actions for how they live their lives. A very consistent and engaging read throughout. It was a B+ for me until the very end. Chole Benjamin closed really strong, bumping my take on it to a solid A-.
DON'T MISS
All three films in The Worricker Trilogy. So much fun. Bill Nighy is so good.
Time Poverty
Welcome to time poverty. Time Poverty "exists across all economic strata, and its effects are profound. What is more surprising is "the more we get paid for our time, the more we value it, and the more intensely we feel the loss of any moment."
Hi Love,
There is no perfect time management system. There is never going to be that just right solution be it analog, digital, app, plug-in, calendar hacks that will get everything organized just so thereby leading to getting everything on the To-Do list DONE. Even if we stopped sleeping, loving, exercising, well, living all together, tie ourselves to the desk and just keep going. At the end of this massive self/life deprivation push, we would still be confronted with a list of what's next. The list self regenerates!
Welcome to time poverty. Time Poverty "exists across all economic strata, and its effects are profound. Research shows that those who feel time-poor experience lower levels of happiness and higher levels of anxiety, depression, and stress. They experience less joy. They laugh less. They exercise less and are less healthy. Their productivity at work is diminished. They are more likely to get divorced." (HBR)
What is more surprising is "the more we get paid for our time, the more we value it, and the more intensely we feel the loss of any moment."
What if we reconsidered time? What if time is elastic and fluid and will expand and contract in relation to us and our mindset? As there is a difference between the experiencing self and the remembering self (Daniel Kahneman) what if we revisited the strictness of 60, 24, 7, 365 and allowed ourselves to be generous with it so it may return to us a different experience?
It's mid-February and I struggle not only with the To-Do but big ideas; maybe time is ever more relevant now that I'm 40.
I want to find a new relationship with Time. One where it is not the ruler over me nor am I the delusional person trying to tame it. A relationship that in mutuality with each other. Something better. Something sweeter.
With Love,
Charlie
IDEAS YOU CAN STEAL
Work with your laptop unplugged. Work until the battery is about to die, then take a break. I've been trying it out this week and I'm liking it. It builds in these natural breaks that my eyes need.
Compounding Knowledge. "A lot of us are on the treadmill of consuming expiring information. Not [Warren] Buffett. He filled his mental filing cabinet with information that had a long half-life." This is a great argument to stop reading a certain kind of daily news, opt for books and long-form essays in addition to taking a long view on all matters including the information and knowledge that we ingest day to day.
WORTH A READ
Time for Happiness. Insightful HBR article that is cited above.
There are many surprising insights in the article, one of them is "Learn how to say no, but don’t use time as an excuse...People who [use time as an excuse] are seen as less likable and less trustworthy."
I NEED
A media coach. Or someone who can help me translate my theater training into live presentations.
DON'T MISS
Puffs, or: Seven Increasingly Eventful Years at a Certain School of Magic and Magic.
It's an affectionate spoof on Harry Potter. The seven-year sage told through the house that is least mentioned. It's goofy. It's fun. It's low tech and low production value and it is so well rehearsed that they never miss a beat. It's a pleasure to watch. It reminds me of high school and the kind of play we would stage.
“The true material of knowledge is meaning. The only way to glean knowledge is contemplation. And the road to that is time. There’s nothing else. It’s just time. There is no shortcut for the conquest of meaning. And ultimately, it is meaning that we seek to give to our lives.” Maria Popova
Are You in the Driver Seat or Hanging on by the Bumper?
Once you log-off and hit the road, the world and it’s ills can seem so far away. Then, the inevitable re-enrty. What happens when re-entry is a bitch and when is a good time to hire a personal coach.
Happy New Year!!
Yes, you might say, that was over a month ago. Yes. You are correct. And it is also true that today is day two of Chinese New Year. The best way I've found to keep the binary (potentially toxic) at bay is by reminding myself that many things can be true at the same time. It can get complicated. But it's helpful with empathy, listening, presence and deepening. It allows for another point of view.
I'm sorry this note is late and it is showing up midweek. Re-entry has been a bit of a bitch. It's easy to walk away, to break the habit and let it all go. Getting back into it all has been extremely difficult this time. I feel like the year took off without me and I'm hanging on the bumper like a bad action flick.
Oh boy, did J and I let it all go in those weeks! Down in Patagonia, the troubles of the world seem so far away, just stories you hear. We emptied our minds and filled it with fiction (good and not so good), endless sky, 100km/h wind, ancient granite peaks, delicious crab goodness cooked in butter and more butter, glacier lakes the color of gemstones and new vocabulary for our private language.
Now. Three weeks after our return and well into the calendar year, all the pieces we left behind are shouting for attention with the eager insistence of resolutions and goals chiming in, building towards a loud ruckus.
So Hi! Here I am; here we are. There is nothing to do but do. And into this year we go.
Let's go!
Charlie
I NEED YOUR VOTE!
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IDEAS YOU CAN STEAL
Some obsess over inbox zero. Personally, I'm happy with inbox 100.
Hack 1:Start a new email account! This comes from Kashmir Hill on her series,"Blocking the Tech Giants." TCutting out Google was week three and she had to start a new email account. So brilliant and simple. Not practical. But can we all just admire the solution for a moment before we dive back in?
Hack 2:Multiply your time by asking 4 questions about the stuff on your to-do list.
Hack 3:Don't reply to your emails.
WORTH A READ
Universal Basic Income (UBI) and 70% income tax are ideas that have been around for a long while and newly revived for public debate. Here are two compelling reads on the subject.
Give People Money: How a Universal Basic Income Would End Poverty, Revolutionize Work, and Remake the World by Annie Lowrey
(I'm in the middle of this book and I'm a fan!)
Utopia for Realists by Rutger Bregman. This is next on the docket for me. If you don't have time for another 300-page book, he's got a great TED talk.
I FULLY ENDORSE
Shoshanna Hecht, executive coach. I just had the pleasure of working with Shoshanna and I cannot recommend her more! What is an executive coach and what does she do? In her own words, "I work with successful, high-achieving women to break through the glass ceiling in their own mind." Shoshanna is highly qualified (see her credentials here) first of all, and during our time together, she suggested concrete tactics that I can implement to help me overcome a particular challenge. It is up to me to practice and implement course but unlike psychotherapy, working with Shoshanna is about what's next.
DON'T MISS
The Jungle. I've seen my fair share of plays (I studied theater in undergrad) and this is by far one of the best plays I have ever seen. It's run in NYC has closed but it is coming to San Francisco The Curran. SEE IT.
What the Constitution Means to Me returns to NYC March 14th. It's a fantastic one act and an Obie Award winner.
I'll leave you with Speaker Nancy Pelosi's sarcasm-laden clap for Trump's State of the Union speech....it so good!
