The Venn Diagram of Me and You
It is necessary for there to be an overlap of some sort, any sort, for two people to become friends. Working at the same place, living in on the same block, having gone to the same school. Forming new friendships was much easier when we were young, at least for me, school and circumstances surrounded me with people all the time. Invariably, I found a nice patch of overlap with them and a friendship grew from there.
It's gotten harder since I've gotten older. The friendship of my thirties was often built on the fertile soil of single women dating. Girlfriends and I would get together and relate tales of the latest guy, share "can you believe he did that," and all the pinning that we allow ourselves to admit to and still proudly claim a feminist.
One girlfriend after another got married, and things started to shift. A few of them severed the friendship outright, a house cleaning that accompanied this brand new chapter of their lives. The wildness of my singleness might stench the blessing of matrimony. Some friends stay in touch but the distance is palpable. There is a new center of gravity, their partners, and that is the way it should be. Partners now do the witnessing and the emotional labors that was once the duty of a good friend. I too am guilty of retracting now that I have found my person.
The one friendship that has remained steady through the years, from our early twenties, stage one of adulthood and into new lives with partners is my friendship with R. We've had our up and downs but we found our way back to each other. I like to believe the weathering deepen the overlap on our Venn diagrams. As I investigate why this relationship with R is so special, I came to see that R and I have found overlaps and overlaps. Some of it by accident, who knew Kundalini yoga is the jam? Some discovered, we share a similar vision for dinner parties and we work remarkably well together in the kitchen. We didn't get here by design; we didn't get here by accident either. We invested time. The magic ingredient that takes us from shared interests (i.e. boys) to experiences, to worldviews and the actions that shape our individual lives.
A community is important. Lots of people talk about the tribe and finding it. I'm all for it. But I've come to believe that passion for the same topic make for weak bonds. Time is the key ingredient. We cannot withhold time if what we seek is a true community.
IDEAS YOU CAN STEAL
How do you feel about small talk? A necessary evil of networking event? Family gathering? Would it surprise you to know that small talk can lead to moments of real connection? The beginnings of overlap on the Venn diagram of you and stranger X. Read on here.
WORTH A READ
I've been on a pretty good roll in terms of fiction. A gypsy arrives in town and four siblings go see her. She tells them the exact date they will die. This knowledge drives each of them towards different decisions and actions for how they live their lives. A very consistent and engaging read throughout. It was a B+ for me until the very end. Chole Benjamin closed really strong, bumping my take on it to a solid A-.
All three films in The Worricker Trilogy. So much fun. Bill Nighy is so good.