Don't Marry Him For His Record Collection
Your partner (in business and in love) will have profound influence on you. When we were young, shared interests were enough. After all, our own values system might still be in development. As fully grown adults, it’s worth examining (or select) our potential partners for the deeper grooves that they will leave. In another word, will he/she make me a better person?
Hi Love,
This weekend J and I are celebrating our two year anniversary. We have many anniversaries; we like celebrating the absolute joy of being together. This weekend marks our very first coffee, not a date, a work-related coffee where I got to ask him lots of questions about non-profits and foundation funding.
J's presence, his life story, the work he has dedicated his life to influences me and my thinking on multiple fronts. He grew up in the projects in the South Bronx and a person of color. By luck and happenstance, his father was told to get young J tested and see if his test scores are good enough to attend one of the elite public schools in the city. Getting accepted into Hunter College Campus Schools changed his life, this education helped him reach far in his life and career.
I grew up in a low-middle income family that eventually worked itself to be high-middle income. Life was never extravagant as the fear of near poverty never left my parents and grandparents. Yet inequality, privilege and greater racial dynamic are academic concepts to me rather than a personal one.
I don't think of myself as a Chinese American woman with an excellent education, upper-middle-class income and achieved a fascinating career path. I didn't realize it was unusual to not consider myself in the standard classifications. This is not to say that I don't understand how the external world sees me, I just don't use these identifiers instinctively.
Issues of privilege and inequality are top of mind for J. It is part of his work, his worldview. And his view has seeped into mine, broadening and deepening my scope. This is a gift I couldn't have anticipated. It sounds silly to say because every significant other have left their mark, some deeper than others, some in attitude towards life while others only their obsession with Peter Gabrielle.
There are so many things I wish we were briefed on as young adults, about love, life, money, career, partnership. So many miss opportunities where we could have made better choices, saner choices. It took me thirty-eight years to get love and partnership right and I am ever so grateful I finally figured it out.
With Love,
Charlie
IDEAS YOU CAN STEAL
In a recent client memo, I outlined a 101 on sponsorships/partnerships/collaborators.
Sponsorship: A brand/company, usually for-profit.
Partnerships: Tangentially mission/project aligned institutions, non-profits, and for-profits.
Notable Personality/Influencers: People with a significant following (social and otherwise) and influence over their audience.
Then under each category, we break down what the ask is (monetary/in-kind donation, cross-promotion), the upside for them (their motivation for supporting the client/cause), and the upside for the client.
It's a helpful cheat sheet to think about who to approach and what a reasonable ask could be.
WORTH A READ
Austin Kleon's Keep Going is out. Full disclosure, I've not read the book (yet) but I'm a big fan of his previous title, Steal Like an Artist. It's great and I think even more insightful for those who are not artists or have such inclinations.
WANDERLUST
Oslo, Norway. I've been invited to a conference and all-conference is a mixed bag of "meeting you changed my life" and "I should have stayed home." Has anyone been to Oslo? Tell me what it's like and help me tally the pro/con.
DON'T MISS
I binged watched Orphan Black, The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel and Killing Eve this past month. It was A LOT of TV but there were a lot of long flights and even longer layovers.
Each of them features fascinating female characters. I particularly liked Orphan Black and Killing Eve.
The Venn Diagram of Me and You
It is necessary for there to be an overlap of some sort, any sort, for two people to become friends. A Venn Diagram of me and you. What to do when our overlap disappears and there is nothing to ground the relationship?
Hi Love,
It is necessary for there to be an overlap of some sort, any sort, for two people to become friends. Working at the same place, living in on the same block, having gone to the same school. Forming new friendships was much easier when we were young, at least for me, school and circumstances surrounded me with people all the time. Invariably, I found a nice patch of overlap with them and a friendship grew from there.
It's gotten harder since I've gotten older. The friendship of my thirties was often built on the fertile soil of single women dating. Girlfriends and I would get together and relate tales of the latest guy, share "can you believe he did that," and all the pinning that we allow ourselves to admit to and still proudly claim a feminist.
One girlfriend after another got married, and things started to shift. A few of them severed the friendship outright, a house cleaning that accompanied this brand new chapter of their lives. The wildness of my singleness might stench the blessing of matrimony. Some friends stay in touch but the distance is palpable. There is a new center of gravity, their partners, and that is the way it should be. Partners now do the witnessing and the emotional labors that was once the duty of a good friend. I too am guilty of retracting now that I have found my person.
The one friendship that has remained steady through the years, from our early twenties, stage one of adulthood and into new lives with partners is my friendship with R. We've had our up and downs but we found our way back to each other. I like to believe the weathering deepen the overlap on our Venn diagrams. As I investigate why this relationship with R is so special, I came to see that R and I have found overlaps and overlaps. Some of it by accident, who knew Kundalini yoga is the jam? Some discovered, we share a similar vision for dinner parties and we work remarkably well together in the kitchen. We didn't get here by design; we didn't get here by accident either. We invested time. The magic ingredient that takes us from shared interests (i.e. boys) to experiences, to worldviews and the actions that shape our individual lives.
A community is important. Lots of people talk about the tribe and finding it. I'm all for it. But I've come to believe that passion for the same topic make for weak bonds. Time is the key ingredient. We cannot withhold time if what we seek is a true community.
With love,
Charlie
IDEAS YOU CAN STEAL
How do you feel about small talk? A necessary evil of networking event? Family gathering? Would it surprise you to know that small talk can lead to moments of real connection? The beginnings of overlap on the Venn diagram of you and stranger X. Read on here.
WORTH A READ
The Immortalists by Chloe Benjamin
I've been on a pretty good roll in terms of fiction. A gypsy arrives in town and four siblings go see her. She tells them the exact date they will die. This knowledge drives each of them towards different decisions and actions for how they live their lives. A very consistent and engaging read throughout. It was a B+ for me until the very end. Chole Benjamin closed really strong, bumping my take on it to a solid A-.
DON'T MISS
All three films in The Worricker Trilogy. So much fun. Bill Nighy is so good.
